Not A Fairy Tale
by RejectSoul
Summary: Soul Eater, more machine than man, and Princess Maka Albarn, heiress to the throne. What was he thinking! Crack!AU, platonic SoMa HIATUS (vacation)
1. Once Upon A Time

"Nya~ It's a beautiful day~" Soul Eater threw the nearest object in reach at his companion. "Blair, shut up before I shut you up."

Blair dodged the attack, ducking under the alarm clock and shooting from under it before the projectile hit the floor. The cat then planted itself on his bed. "Ooh, you're awake! I have a good plan!"

Mind still fuzzy from sleep, Soul squinted at her. "What?"

"Last night all the girls were talking about it! King Spirit is holding a ball tomorrow and everyone is invited, nya~"

"You know I don't like social events." Soul grumbled bitterly, swinging his legs off the bed. Ever since that accident with Shaula, his body had never been the same. Wait, scratch that. His body would never be the same. It had happened too fast-one by one, her loyal, brainwashed (or otherwise) servants had attacked him, seeking to cripple him, which they had succeeded at. He sought out Giriko who managed to replace that which he had lost, with metal. He must look quite a sight. With his new appearance (stark white with red eyes) he managed to scare off pretty much anybody around these parts. Blair was the only person who would keep him company, but she was a talking feline, after all. Did they even count?

"Hey! Are you listening?"

"What?" Soul shook himself out of his thoughts, turning to Blair who had the kitty equivalent of a death glare directed at him.

"Maybe you'll actually pick up a girl or two there." Blair pointed out. "But I don't want a girl! What do I even do with them?! Clean up after them, take care of them, feed them?!"

Blair rolled her eyes, and shushed him. "Relax, I got this covered." Which usually implied disaster of some kind waiting in the near future. "It's the day after tomorrow, at night. I'll start making the neccesary arrangements since you agreed!" Wait, what?

Soul shot up, but the crafty cat had gone.

* * *

"Okay, I'll transform you, so that you won't stand out too much, but you'll still be recognizable." He felt Blair's magic wash over him, and looked down at his body. And immediately crossed his hands over his privates. "Blair!"

"What?" The cat looked up with innocent eyes, before shifting to her human form. Her eyes widened with mock surprise. "Oh." A second later, Soul was dressed in a dark jacket with matching pants. Formal wear, since he did want to make a good impression. She walked briskly out, and pulled him over to the roadside.

"Pum-Pumpkin Pumpkin!" Soul's jaw dropped open as he watched the carriage materialize. Then, he turned to Blair. "One, this seems like overkill. Two, it's. A. Pumpkin." He gestured wildly at it. Blair waved it off. "Psh, not like anyone cares. Get in! Don't want to get your nice clothes dirty, do you? Oh, and this thing wears off at midnight, got it?"

Soul opened the door and got in, watching through the window as a group of mice ran up to Blair and were transformed into horses. She hooked them up to the front, and with a pat on the back they were off. As he departed he could still see Blair waving at him, before disappearing into the house.

* * *

The ball was crowded! Soul edged towards the wall, grabbing a plateful of sandwiches. He hadn't eaten in a long time, and he was not letting this opportunity go to waste! After the third or fourth, he felt a pair of eyes on him. He looked up. Green eyes.

"Who are you?" Their owner spoke crisply. "I am Princess Maka Albarn." Soul blinked. Did the princess just talk to him? Swallowing the food, he responded, "Soul Eater."

"Sounds ominous." She turned around, parking herself next to him with as much precision as an actual driver.

"Uh, why did you ask?" Maka levelled a blank stare. "You have white hair and red eyes, you know." She blandly told him, before turning back to her book. Blair... Soul mentally shelved this away. May as well try to make the most of tonight.

A long pause. "Would you like to dance?" In hindsight, that was not the best time to ask. Or maybe the princess had PMS or whatever it was called. Because the next thing he knew, Soul had the thick book slammed into his skull. Hurt even worse than having limbs torn off. She then opened the still steaming volume as Soul rubbed his head.

An even longer pause followed, interrupted only by the flipping of the pages. Soul had by this point given up on the party, and was craning his neck to get a look at the book.

"Get away from her!" A shout caused Soul to snap his head up, and he saw a redhead glaring daggers at him. His eyes wandered upwards to the crown. Shit.

"Maka Chop! Dad, you can't chase every single male within a fie mile radius away just because you're being protective!" She stood up over the now-unconscious king, before going back to reading as if nothing happened. And the clock tolled out the time, twelve chimes, and on the eleventh, all the lights went out.

Soul couldn't care less about his state, reaching out to check if Maka was okay. It was strange, he knew, but he couldn't help but feel a little protective towards her. His hands found purchase on two... soft... parts... of her body.

"MAKA CHOP!"

* * *

Soul sprinted most of the way back, book lodged in his cranium. He was greeted by a smirking Blair. "Had fun?" She asked.

"Yeah." Soul responded breathlessly. How could he even be out of breath?

"You know, you were walking funny. Usually only drunks do that."

"Hey, I have guts of steel, I can stomach anything."

He and Blair laughed at their private joke.

That night, he drifted off, dreaming about blonde princesses and a certain pair of emerald eyes.

* * *

"He sounded funny when I hit him. Plus, he didn't even say anything along the lines of 'ow' which is abnormal going by his scream the first time." In the oppressive silence of her room-slash-prison, Maka was also pondering the mystery of the strange man.


	2. Upon Daybreak

Soul woke up the next morning with a crick in his neck. That wasn't possible, was it? Rolling over, the book dropped out. So that happened. With the heavy thud of said book hitting the floor, his memories of the previous night also returned. Blair was out, so he wandered downstairs, eying the book. He put it down on the wooden table gently, before throwing on a sweater.

He made his way to the castle, where signs of the ball were still visible. Wrinkling his nose with distaste he rapped his knuckles sharply on the door. No response. He decided to have a look around. When he reached the foot of the first tower, he heard a faint sound come from upstairs. Curiosity overcame him, and Soul shinnied up the tree. Perching himself on a thick branch, he leaned over. Princess Maka gave a little squeak as she spotted him, tripping over her hair. Not surprising, as it pretty much covered the whole portion of the floor that he could see. "W-What are y-you..." Maka's trembling fingers reached for an empty space on the table.

"Looking for this?" Soul waved the book at her. Maka looked at him, before recognition crossed her features, followed by a frown. "It's you."

"Huh?" Soul gaped. How'd she tell it was him?

"Red eyes, white head." She rolled her eyes, extending her hand to snatch back the book. She then raised the book, as if going to attack him, but thought better of it, instead clutching the book to her chest. The next pause is equally uncomfortable. Soul moves to climb down, but in a small voice, Maka whispers, "Stay."

"Oh, right." Not cool, Soul, not cool.

"I'm sorry about that dent, it wasn't intentional, I sw-"

"Listen, you did what was natural, and probably the safest." Crap. Soul definitely had no idea how to talk to a girl. He tugged at the collar.

"What's up?"

"Same old, I go through several evil stepmothers a week." She replied bitterly. Soul continued staring. Taking that as a cue to continue, Maka proceeds to perform a near-exact impression of the King. "Screw the rules, I have money!"

"Your Highness, I didn't take you to be the kind to swear."

"I'm not surprised." Maka turns away, facing the door. "He doesn't let me go out, or even have visitors. I know it's for my good, but man, does he have poor judgement." Soul didn't respond.

"So, you're a tin man?" Maka blurted out.

"More of a human Swiss Army Knife." Soul chuckled. Maka's eyes widen, and she leans over. "Demo? Right." He concentrates. Bless Giriko for being a genius. His right arm morphs into a blade, which he swings experimentally. And it goes right through the tree. With a loud creak the top topples, leaves rustling as they hit the ground. Only half an inch is still attached, and even that is bending as if about to snap.

Maka looks from Soul, to the partially-felled tree, and back. Then her face hardens.

"Take me with you."

What?

In hindsight, Soul should have just stopped, but instead he nodded, grinned, and extended an arm. Maka grabbed onto it, swinging across and landing on the branch. "Let's go." She commanded, starting down the makeshift slide. Soul watched as she tripped on her hair about a metre off the ground, and fell. And promptly started swearing.

"Language, m'dear." Soul chuckled, hopping off behind her.

"I really should cut this. Would you?" She grabbed two fistfuls and held them up to him.

"I don't think that's a great idea." Maka huffed at the response. "As opposed to me tripping and falling on my face every few steps."

"Fine." Soul let his arm return to its blade form, which cuts through the golden locks easily. "There's still enough to get a great haircut, but you may want to rethink ru-"

"There's nothing to rethink. I've made up my mind." Maka's green eyes are filled with determination.

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Maka was now riding on Soul as he carried her piggy-back style. He did not recall his home being so far away. "We really should have taken the main road." Well, the forest did have a nice scenery, what was there to not like? Maka was a nice person, but there was only so much whining one's patience could take.

"Well, excuse me Princess, but the more people, the more likely someone will recognize you. Besides, you are wearing a really short skirt." Soul deadpanned.

"I'm not in the castle, you can call me Maka." Maka slumps, hot breath ghosting across Soul's shoulder. And despite himself, he smiles. But not for long.

There is a sign ahead. Soul stares at it. And blinks. And continues staring.

"We're lost."

* * *

"Lost?" Maka's shriek echoes, sending flocks of birds skyward.

"Uh, maybe it's that way." Soul resumes walking. After a while, it looked like they were still lost.

And that was when his foot stepped on a trigger of some kind, launching a net at them. Well, maybe this was fate's way of getting back at them. The sky grew dimmer, and just before passing out, Soul could see a pair of figures heded for them.


	3. A Huge Problem (Part 1)

Soul awoke on a bed that wasn't his. Turning this over and over in his brain, it could only supply one logical conclusion. After the recent events, someone had captured them, holding Maka and himself hostage.

"Ah, I see you're awake." A female walked in. Her shoulder-length hair was golden in color, and an eyepatch covered her right eye. "My husband and I found you passed out in one of our traps."

"How long was I out?" Soul braced himself for the response. "Two hours." Oh. Right. Sometimes it was those mundane things he forgot. Like the fact that he didn't exactly need rest.

"Breakfast is in five hours." She nodded towards the shelf. "I suggest you find something to occupy yourself. Call me Marie, by the way."

Marie. Marie. Ma-rie. Nope, didn't really ring a bell, but nice name. "Thank you, Marie. If I may ask, how's Maka? Is she safe?" His thoughts had immediately gone to the girl.

"That girl we found with you? She's still sleeping in the other room." She stepped out, closing the door gently.

Four hours of scrutinizing the ceiling later, Soul decided to leave the room and have a look around. Marie didn't seem like a bad person, and besides, he may as well figure out his surroundings.

The house was cozy, with a couch and floor mats, and there was an empty doorframe through which he saw Marie moving, flitting around from station to station cooking. He detected smoke, and next thing he knew, Marie was hopping around wielding her spatula with one hand and dragging a cloth with the other, shouting something unintelligible. He instinctively rushed forwards. Upon stepping onto the tiled floor, he registered that she hadn't been alone.

There was another male, with grey hair charging in with a bucket of water, likely from the back. Part of the water wound up on the stove, putting out the fire (crisis averted!). The rest of the water splashed against the floor, cabinets and Soul, who ducked out of the way in time. "AWK! What was that for?!" He glared, but the man just gave a nonchalant shrug.

"Franken! Play nice!" Marie scolded, albeit playfully. She then turned to Soul. "Sorry about that."

"Naw, I'm cool. No hard feelings." Soul turned towards him. Now that Soul got a good look at Franken, he definitely looked funny. Despite the large glasses, which happened to catch the light such that it reflected off, Soul could make out a stitch line around his eye. And there were many more on his clothes. Even stranger still was...

"Is that a screw in your head?" Soul tapped the side of his own at around the same location as its large end.

Franken reached up and twisted said screw a couple of times until it clicked. Then he flashed a creepy grin. "Says the person made entirely up of metal. I would much like to dissect y-"

"Alright, food's ready." Marie drove herself between them, sensing the uneasy mood. She brandished her cooking equipment at Stein, waving it in his face. "No scaring the guests." Marie prodded Soul gently towards the table, much like a mother hen. "Go, go, take a seat! We'll get Maka."

As he turned, he could still hear Franken ("Ooh, pancakes." "Ack! This tastes like carbon!") and Marie ("What did you expect? That one got burnt, remember?") talking.

* * *

After everyone had taken a seat, Soul looked at Maka. She certainly looked rather grouchy, with her hair sticking up at all sorts of odd angles.

"I take it you're not a morning person." Marie patted her shoulder sympathetically, and received a mumble in response. "Sorry about the humble breakfast, it isn't much, but we did our best." She then turned to Soul. "What were you doing anyway?"

Soul exchanged a look with Maka, who nodded slowly. Then he launched into a retelling of the events of the past day, complete with sound effects.

* * *

"And that was when you activated our net, correct?" Stein concluded the story. Soul nodded.

The couple gaped, then burst out laughing.

"You actually escaped via a tree?" Marie was clutching her stomach, wheezing with laughter. Stein was also chuckling. Soul swung his feet, in the process generating a few clangs. "Well, there wasn't any other escape route..."

"Worse come to worst, you could just climb up via Maka's hair, if your story is to be believed." He leaned over, helping himself to the coffee pot, ignoring Maka's indignant huff. Maka grabbed at her hair, holding it away from him. "Not on your life, stitchface."

"Here, I'll help you with that." Marie got up, moving her chair behind Maka's and gently carding fingers through her hair. "Ponytail or braids?" "Pigtails, please." Marie hummed, mouthing "Good job." to Soul, who felt a bit uncomfortable.

Franken shook his head. "Like father, like daughter." Maka blinked at him. "You knew my dad?"

"King Spirit Albarn, right?" He leaned back into the wooden backrest. "I knew him back in the day." Maka started at his statement. "Do tell."

"Hold on, let me go get that photo..." Franken lifted his feet, pushing his chair backwards by kicking off from the table. Soul braced himself in anticipation of the inevitable, but the chair glided smoothly back and ended up facing a shelf. Franken grabbed one of the numerous photo frames, and spun it around. With that movement, the chair tilted on one leg, and then toppled sideways with a resounding crash.

Marie had finished styling Maka's hair, and got up, helping up Franken. He winced slightly, hobbling back to the table. "That's him. We went to the same school."

In the picture, the King was frowning slightly as a smiling Franken formed a pair of bunny ears behind his head. Soul looked back at Franken, who shrugged. "He had a bad day." He muttered lamely. Then he brightened. "Want me to share some of our adventures?"

* * *

"Your father is walking comic gold." Soul smirked, looking at Maka who had a small smile on. She turned away slightly, handing the photo in her hands back. "What are you two doing here anyway?"

"We've been living here for ages. I had a day job, but right now nobody dares go out, because there's been news of a giant going around stealing crops and attacking people. It's just not safe."

Soul then turned to Franken, who had a slightly guilty look on his face. Marie elbowed him and motioned for him to speak.

"I'm a cemetery groundskeeper. Right now someone's been going around stealing bodies." He removed his glasses and ran a hand over his eyes. As he opened them it registered with Soul for the first time just jow old he looked.

"Well, we really have to go. Maka here is on the run from her father." Soul made to leave, and was surprised that neither moved to stop them. "Good luck." Stein flashed a thumbs up as Marie snickered into the back of her hand. "Don't get eaten!"

Weirdos.


	4. A Huge Problem (Part 2)

"We really should take their advice." Maka muttered, wrapping her arms tighter around herself. Soul noticed that her sleeve way slightly muddy, brown caking into the formerly pristine shirt. He absently patted it off, causing Maka to bat at his hand. "What?"

Maka frowned at him, looking back at the dirt road. They'd been walking for some time, and her legs were already worn out. But she gritted her teeth. No, she wasn't going to slow Soul down, not if she could help it! She looked to the sky, hoping to distract herself from the numbness in her limbs.

"Look, that's a castle!"

"Wha?" Soul jumped slightly. Then he relaxed. "It's not your father's."

"No, it isn't! But we can hide in it! It looks abandoned." Which it did. The doorstep hadn't been swept in a long time, and everything looked really, really old. Soul knocked on the door, but no response came. "Let's go!" Maka kicked down the door. How'd she-oh. Soul still wondered where the strength in her Maka Chops came from.

Inside, they were greeted with a maze of winding corridors. Maka pointed at one, and they walked down the path. A couple of explorers, and this castle wasn't haunted. Was it? A chill ran up Soul's metal spine.

* * *

Soon it tapered off slightly, and the light by this point had dimmed until even Soul had difficulty seeing. One last bend, and the duo found themselves in a courtyard of sorts. As her eyes adjusted to the light, Maka elbowed Soul, and hissed. "There!"

A giant was sleeping on the floor.

Soul sized him up. The giant was covered in a number of bandages, which wrapped around his head hiding his face. And on it were three vertical eyes, scribbled on as if in marker. Soul edged closer. The marks were also present on his shoulders. The giant was probably sleeping, since he hadn't gotten up.

He felt Maka tapping him. "What?" He barked.

"Look, that piano is playing music on its own." She pointed out. He looked at it. "Maybe we should give it to Marie and Franken, they might be able to sell it." On the count of three, they ran over to it and started wheeling it away. They managed to make it out the door, with only a couple of minor scrapes on the musical instrument. Strangely, it had gone silent.

Maka eyed it. "Play." This time it started blaring rock music. "Okay, pause!" The music thankfully stopped. "Rewind." A chime indicated its acknowledgement. "Okay, it's a giant sound-activated music player." Soul shrugged. "What do we do with this?"

"We could always mail it. Power off?" Soul asked the piano, and it played a short tune. He leaned over it, running his fingers over it. They managed to drop it off at a post office, ignoring the clerk's protest to get a house moving service instead. And that was when the rumbling started.

The two bolted, headed into the forest because if the giant decided to get up, chances are he wouldn't particularly enjoy navigating through a cloud of leaves.

* * *

"I think we, hah, hah, lost him." Maka panted. "Why aren't you, hah, out of breath?"

Soul squinted at her. Then at the ground below her, where a hand had shot out, and was now gripping her ankle.

"Look out!" He shouted, just before a body emerged. It was that of a man, with pale blue skin and some sort of headband. He was wearing a dirty white jersey. But the most worrying thing was the gaping hole in his forehead.

"ZOMBIE!" Maka screeched, clawing at his hand and freeing her foot.

But with both his hands free, the man produced a tombstone (where'd he even get it?) and swung it, barely missing Maka. Maka squealed, running to hide behind Soul. They both watched the zombie stagger with the heavy stone towards them with growing dread, before they simultaneously bolted.

They did not get far, as the man appeared in front of them, trembling hands now raising the tombstone up. Damn, was he fast! Soul did not have much time to react, flinging his hands out to shove Maka away from the path of the deadly weapon.

Who knew it'd end this way?

Next thing he knew, the blow had glanced off his body. He looked down, and realized that he was wearing some kind of armour. Huh. He'd have to thank Giriko multiple times over. "Maka, run! I can handle this!"

* * *

"I can handle this!"

The sentence repeated itself in her head at the same rhythm as her pounding heart. Maka sprinted away, ignoring the branches whipping at her bare legs. Eventually she couldn't hear anything else as the undergrowth was too dense. She did see a pair of glittering golden eyes staring at her out of a tree, though...

She hoped it wasn't a big cat. She never really liked cats.

"Come out!" Maka sounded braver than she felt. A dry chuckle was heard, and the eyes shifted as their owner stepped out. It was a dark-haired boy, around her height, with equally dark clothing. His hair had three white stripes bleached into its side, and similar white markings covered his clothes. She backed up as the temperature seemed to drop several degrees. She paused. Was this a good idea?

"I need your help."

* * *

Death the Kid assessed the situation. Ah, the irony. Liz and Patty had relayed all the information he needed to know. He'd used necromancy to reanimate Sid out of boredom, and basically told him to guard the area. And now here was a strange girl, whose companion was currently trying to hold Sid off. And failing, if Patty's assessment was accurate.

"I need your help." She was out of breath, that much was clear. He could just take her down, there and then. But he was curious. Liz had stated that she was the cause of the sudden earthquakes, but had not cared to elaborate. Besides, information was nice to have, and valuable. Or maybe he actually wanted to do something for a change.

"I'll come with you."

"Really?" Maka couldn't believe her luck, her surpise showing on her face.

"Yep." Kid confirmed. Introductions could wait, right now he had to keep Sid from killing the companion. She'd be more likely to talk. "Lead the way?"


	5. A Huge Problem (Part 3)

Maka retraced her steps until she heard a loud crash and angry shouting, which she ran in the direction of. Upon seeing Maka Soul ran to her. And upon seeing Kid Sid took a hint and disappeared into the ground. Soul shook Maka by the shoulders. "I thought I told you to run?"

Maka shook her head. "No way I could leave you with that-that." She trailed off, wide eyes trained on an empty spot where a homocidal zombie had been just seconds ago. Soul's jaw dropped.

"He won't bother you." Kid's voice cut in.

"Who are you, anyway?" Soul eyed the newcomer with distrust. Maka instinctively replied. "I just met him! This is... uh..." She looked at Kid with pleading eyes.

"Death the Kid, but just call me Kid. And you?" Kid's eyes flit from Maka to Soul. "There's Princess Maka Albarn. I'm Soul Eater."

Kid is starting to twitch. His fingers jerk forwards, then clench. Soul glares at him. It only intensifies when Kid latches onto his head and starts rambling about some aesthetic concept. "Let go of me!" He shouts, bringing his hands up to remove Kid's death grip.

"I'll make you symmetrical!" Kid is nearly hysterical. "Yeah, like your hair is the shining example of-" He was cut of by a heartwrenching scream from Kid, who pomptly fell to his knees, sobbing. "I'm garbage, asymmetrical garbage..."

"I'm sorry about that." Maka turned to see a tall female looking at her. This one had shoulder-length hair, a strange hat and an expression of disdain. And was see-through. "Ghost!" Maka paled, jumping away.

The girl also turns around, eyes scanning the trees, before fading away with a small eep. Maka heaves a sigh of relief until the girl rematerializes right in front of her, eyes blazing. "That wasn't funny!"

Thankfully, the ghost took the sudden giggling as a cue to leave her alone. Another shorter girl (ghost, Maka realized, luckily without freaking out again) was bent over Kid, having a laugh at his expense. Kid either hadn't noticed him or was too upset to care, Maka noted.

"Kid! Kid! Don't you dare! You are not trash, and to think otherwise makes you sorely mistaken." The taller motioned to the shorter, and on the count of three, they hauled him to his feet and started marching him away. "Be right back." She winked at Soul.

Soul was staring, so Maka took out her book. "Maka Chop!"

"What?" Soul now had two dents, parallel on his head. He rubbed them absently.

"What were you staring at her like that for?!"

"Her?" Soul looked confused. Maka decided to explain just in case he was slow, maybe his brain had indeed rusted over time somehow. "Two girls just carried Kid off."

Soul nodded slowly. "I saw him get up and walk off..."

Maka smacked herself in the face. Soul couldn't see ghosts. That explained a lot.

* * *

True to the ghost's word, the three eventually returned, Kid looking a lot happier. This time, he did not comment on Soul's appearance, which was probably a good thing. The sisters introduced themselves as Liz and Patty, and Maka and Kid acted as mediums so that Soul wouldn't be left out.

"What are the two of you even doing out here?" Soul looks at Maka, who promptly recounts their entire adventure thus far to their audience. After she finished it, the three exchanged worried glances.

"You people stole the piano and delivered it via mail." "Yes, why?"

"I don't know, why?" Liz shook her head, arms crossed, and brought one hand to her temple, and then forwards, fingers splaying out in the universal "What The Hell, Man" gesture. Patty fell over, howling with laughter, and Kid cracked a smile. Despite their amusement they were clearly hiding something, Maka knew.

"Huddle!" The three of them moved over to where Maka couldn't hear them, whispering anxiously to each other. Kid shot her a warning glare wephen she tried to follow. She would have asked Soul, but Soul couldn't sense two of three partaking members, unfortunately, which made his listening in pointless.

"And, break!" Kid walks over to Maka as both girls disappear as quickly as they showed up. "You have to see something."

* * *

"We're back here." Maka looks up at the castle. "Thank you, I was afraid we managed to get lost." Soul snarked at her. In front of them, Kid ignored the two, golden orbs staring at the door, or what remained of it. He turned around with a raised eyebrow, but did not comment. And for that, Maka was thankful.

This time, Kid lead the way, walking down the dark passages with a small flashlight. They reached the end in no time, and Kid stepped aside to let the others through. Soul heard screeching, and decided to push through first. What he saw managed to stun him into silence.

The giant had moved from where they last saw him, and was currently hunched over in one of the corners. As they stood, eyes fixed on his large form, his jaw dropped open in a silent scream, sides twisted up as if about to laugh. All of a sudden, his head shot up, the three eyes facing their direction. In one fluid move, he had slammed a closed fist near to where they stood, causing both Maka and Soul to jump backwards. Another swipe sent Maka scrambling away to safety, or as safe a place as there could be between an angry giant and a wall.

Shit shit shitshit, this was bad! Whispering a silent prayer to whichever deity was out there, Maka crossed her fingers and hoped to not die.


	6. A Huge Problem (Part 4)

Kid was currently generating a skateboard with his magic. "This is more like it!" he flashed a dangerous grin, hopping onto it. Maka shrank further back into the corner and watched with wide, terrified eyes as it started floating. She nearly did a dry spit take when it shot off, generating a little dust storm. When was the last time the giant had even bothered to clean? Because of this, her eyes started to water and she hacked up all the dirt, waving away the cloud. As it dissipated, she saw Soul leaning over her, concerned.

"You okay, Maka?" He asked her. Maka looked up at him, blinking away the blurry image. "No, I am not okay! We just charged headfirst into battle with a giant thing that we have no idea how to defeat! And you're here asking me that?!" Soul looked hurt. "Sheesh, I was just worried, you didn't have to shout at me."

The two stood there, watching as Kid ducked and weaved bursts the giant's arms like a bizarre game of cat and mouse, occasionally firing blasts of solid light. For someone who couldn't see, his aim was remarkably accurate. Then Maka shoved Soul. "Just go and help already!" Soul lurched forwards, before righting himself and glaring down at Maka. "Help how?" "I don't know, maybe just do your thing!" "But Kid looks so happy!" Maka squinted up at Kid, to confirm Soul's last statement.

That sort of smile rarely meant good news. "We should get him down before he shoots someone's head off." She pointed out. Soul sighed. "Fine, I'm going, I'm going!" But in the delay his pause caused, Kid had decided to raise his game.

With a flip Kid landed on the ground near to Maka, falling easily into a squat. Raising his arms, he levelled them at the giant's head. Dark energy enveloped both limbs, and sparks started dancing across the new surface with increasing intensity. Kid narrowed his eyes, and shouted.

"Death Cannon!"

* * *

Soul was sent flying to one side as the dark blast of energy shot towards the giant. Maka got up to follow his trajectory but a suffocating dark cloud reduced her visibility. Through the haze she heard more coughing, and could barely make out Soul's outline as a dark silhouette. Blindly groping along the floor, she crawled in his direction, wrapping her arms around his legs.

More maniacal laughter was heard, and there was a shuffling of oversized feet on dirt. The dust thinned out, and Maka could now see the giant hole in the wall. And the giant, who was none the worst for wear. "I got you." Soul looked down at her, amused., before raising his voice. "Looks like Death Cannon couldn't beat Death-Breath!"

"Shut up!" Kid didn't look amused. "If you have any better ideas..."

"Well, there may have been one tiny detail we left out. The piano we took was from this place. It was playing some kind of..." Soul blanched, somehow. Kid narrowed his eyes, raising his hands.

"Kid! Don't kill them!" Liz popped out of the wall, Patty in tow. "We witnessed what happened just now, at the time of the incident, it was playing. I think I know what might stop him."

"What, pray tell, is that?" Kid's patience was definitely fraying, if his murderous expression was anything to go by.

"Music!" Maka shouted, excited. And then shrank back as Liz glared at her. Kid looked around. "I don't see how..."

"Patty, will you?" Liz turned to her sister, who nodded, and closed her eyes, opening her mouth.

* * *

Everyone waited with bated breath, momentarily ignoring the giant. Patty opened her eyes.

"WE'RE BOTH NO STRANGERS TO LOVE, YOU KNOW THE RULES, AND SO DO I~"

"Why, you-" Liz hurriedly grabbed Kid before his fingers could reach Patty's neck. Dead or not, strangulation was rather uncomfortable. "Kid! You don't want to be around when the song ends!" Kid struggled a bit, before making a strangled noise and pouting. "That is the last time I let you on my computer."

Patty's song seemed to have the desired effect. Or didn't, depending on what could possibly count as desired. Maka, for one, was sure the giant slamming his head repeatedly against one of the untouched walls could not possibly count.

* * *

"NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU~" Man, Patty had good lungs, Soul thought.

With one final thud, the giant collapsed face-first into the rubble. Kid removed his fingers from his ears, and the others followed his action.

"What now?" Soul moved over to the giant to check, but Kid blocked him. "There's no way of knowing for sure if he is asleep (he doesn't snore) so get the hell out of here if you value your lives." He picked up his skateboard.

"Kid?" Maka still had one burning question. "Hm?"

"How did your skateboard die?" Because, well, skateboards were inanimate objects, after all...

Kid blinked at said skateboard. "Oh, Beelzebub? Mind changing back?" And where there was once a skateboard, was a little imp, in a little tuxedo. The imp looked up at Kid, then at Soul and Maka, whose jaws had dropped open.

"Don't think too much about it." Sane advice, in an insane world.


	7. Grinning And Bearing It (Part 1)

They'd taken Kid's advice, and hightailed it out of there. When they passed by the post office, Soul asked the confused postman to pass a message to Franken and Marie: That they wouldn't be going back, and a thank you for their hospitality. With this, the duo walked out of the town, heads held high.

After another couple of hours and three short breaks, the road shrank into a small path, which in turn shrank into a long strip of dead grass. They followed it into another forest.

"It's really quiet." Maka muttered to Soul, unwilling to shatter the peaceful silence. "Too quiet."

"Want me to fix that?" Soul lifted one arm to the side. Maka realized what the action meant, and stopped Soul before he could use his own body as a percussive instrument.

For a while, neither spoke to the other, the only sound being Soul's clanking as he moved.

* * *

"Did you see that?" Maka's head shot up.

"Oh, the pink-haired girl who just shot across the path with something poking out of her back?"

"Yes, that one!" Maka dragged Soul by the wrist, pulling him forwards. "Come on!" She ran over to where the person was last, looking both ways. "Left." Soul helpfully supplied, before she could get lost on their behalf.

Maka spun on her heel, dragging Soul behind, eyes scanning the trees for the mysterious figure.

* * *

They eventually found her, cowering behind a tree. "D-Don't hurt me!", she'd blurted out as they approached.

"You can come out, we don't bite."

A pair of eyes peeked out from behind the trees, partially hidden by lavender bangs. As soon as their gaze settled on Soul, they disappeared behind the tree with a small squeak. "Please

go away!"

Maka sighed, motioning for Soul to leave. Soul moved three paces away, where he could still see Maka. Maka made a shooing motion with her hands, before turning back to face the tree.

"... Hey, where'd she go?"

"... Where'd HE go?"

* * *

Soul stared at the house, which seemed to stare back. He didn't turn around when he heard the patter of Maka's footsteps.

"Found you! Why'd you run off?!"

Choosing to ignore the pointed question, Soul instead gestured at the house. Maka looked at him, and then the house. "Should we knock and ask for directions?"

"That's a plan!" Maka rapped the claw-shaped door knocker, once, twice, and before the claw touched the wood a third time, the door swung open. Behind it were three men wearing identical bear masks.

"I'm out of here." Maka grabbed Soul's wrist and pulled him away from the door.

"Wai- ack!"

"It talks?" Soul turned around to look back at the door. One of the men had gotten his oversize mask wedged in the doorframe, and was currently trying to move without much success. "Wait! Don't go, please."

Maka looked closely at the man. Aside from the face (or lack thereof) he was dressed like a human, in a polo shirt and pants. Right now, he had planted his feet on the ground and was trying to pull back, pushing with his hands.

"I give up." He sagged, letting his hands dangle. Then he flashed a thumbs-up.

"Here." Soul moved over, put his hands on the mask and unstuck him with one good push. "Better?"

"Much, thank you. Hey, mind hanging around for a while? It gets awfully lonely around here."

He stepped back, mask following Maka and Soul as they stepped into the building.

* * *

"You're not a bear." Maka stated as their new friend walked in with two bowls of porridge.

"Long story short, I ticked off a witch, so she stuck this to my head." Tezca, as he introduced himself, gestured at the mask. He set down the food, and pulled up a chair. "So what are you even doing out here, princess?"

"Your turn." Maka looked at Soul.

* * *

"So Maka managed to find her way here, and you know the rest."

Tezca paused, then started convulsing with laughter. "That's hilarious! A total stranger managed to talk you into re-entering the giant's place?"

Soul scowled at Maka, who looked up with a mouthful of rice. "What?"

"What 'What'? That was a horrible decision!"

"Well, I mean, necromancers are supposed to be trustworthy, right?"

Tezca resumed laughing, for a full ten minutes.

After he'd calmed down somewhat, they asked him if he'd seen the girl they saw previously.

"Not 'saw' per se, but I heard someone knocking on the door. When I opened it no one was there." Tezca buried his mask in his hands. "Am I that horrible?"

Maka bit down on the "Maybe?". This was not the right time. Instead, she patted his shoulder consolingly. "May I go wash up? I'm sorry to disturb you, but we want to get going."

"Oh. Sure. Toilet's on the right. The house is mirrored, though, so the left one works just as well." Maka thanked him and went about her business. When she came back, she saw him and Soul chatting, the remaining porridge untouched. Tezca escorted them out, with a final warning. "Avoid the witch's hut!"

As they walked along their path to parts unknown, they passed by a field. Soul nudged Maka. "Look, there's that strange girl."

Maka nodded to Soul. "You may go, but don't wander too far. You may get lost." Soul shrugged, and turned, disappearing into the trees.

Maka stepped forwards, and the shock of purple hair started moving upwards, revealing those scared eyes just peeking over the thick grass. The girl jerked, clearly not expecting Maka again, but did not move as Maka walked over and bent over.

"You have nice hair." The girl softly muttered, just loud enough for Maka to hear.

"Thank you. What's your name?" Maka lowered her voice to appear as approachable as possible. It was hard.

"Crona." Crona turned away slightly.

"Crona? Nice to meet you. I'm Maka." Maka held out her hand, hoping that Crona would understand the gesture. She took it with a big smile. "Likewise."


	8. Grinning And Bearing It (Part 2)

After chatting with Crona for ten or so minutes, Maka had picked up three things about her.

One, Crona lived alone with her mother, nearby. This made them Tezca's closest neighbours.

Two, Crona really, really loved flowers. As she watched, Crona turned back to the grass. She extended a hand, rooting around, before withdrawing it. Maka stared at the blood red rose, before it clicked. "Oh, thank you!" She gushed, taking it carefully.

Which brought her to her third point. Crona was really, really bad at talking to people. Any relatively normal person would have settled with a "You're welcome." Crona, instead, said, "Please don't get too attached to the rose, because it will wilt and die eventually."

Maka frowned at her, and Crona shrank back as if intimidated, using those blasted puppy dog eyes again. Maka had a strange urge to cuddle Crona. But one step forward, and her face scrunched up as if about to cry. "I didn't mean to-"

"Leave it." A cold voice ordered, causing Maka to spin around. There was a blonde woman striding towards them through the field, with a hairstyle that vaguely resembled Crona's, except for the two strands from each side of her head that curled into one. Crona's eyes widened and she ducked her head, but her stature made it a bit difficult. In the end she just hid her head, leaving only her posterior poking out of the grass.

"Ah, Crona, I see you've made a friend." Maka backed up as she moved closer. This woman, whom Maka assumed to be Crona's mother, reminded her strongly of a cobra about to sink its fangs its helpless target. "Lady Medusa!" Crona jumped up.

Lady Medusa. If that was her real name, it definitely fit. Maka remembered having nightmares after reading the royal library's copy of the myth (and upon waking swearing to herself never to read scary stories before bed again). She looked at Maka, and Maka stiffened slightly as she cooed, "And who might you be."

"Maka. Maka Albarn." In hindsight, not the best idea, but Maka had really forgotten. Medusa's smile pinched into a smirk and she turned to Crona, snapping. "Come along, the chores don't complete themselves! Bring your friend if you wish!" At this Crona shot Maka an apologetic look before turning to leave.

"Wait!"

Maka started after the two. "I'll help you, Crona." Crona's eyes widen and she turned away, muttering. "That might not be the best idea..."

"Your mother is okay with it." Maka turned to gesture at Medusa, but the woman had disappeared without a trace.

* * *

Crona had led Maka to the house, which from the outside looked exactly like a normal house would, if not for the gate that swung itself open. Maka realized a bit too late that it was the witch's house, but she could do nothing as her feet steered herself firmly in. Medusa was waiting at the door, and thrust a broom into the two pairs of waiting hands. "Start with the living room, do the bedrooms last, and please try to stay out of the cellar. I'll be back shortly." As the witch departed Maka felt the spell release as an invisible weight being lifted from her back. She immediately ran to the door only to find it locked, and looked at Crona fearfully. Crona just shrugged and started a small dance of sorts combined with humming as she got to work.

Pretty soon, a number of small animals had found their way in, including a little frog and a couple of mice. They started croaking and chirping respectively along with Crona's now-singing. Maka just stared. And stared. And stared some more. Finally, she spoke.

"Wow, you're pretty good, to have these critters popping in."

"No!" Crona shook her head, bangs swaying. "She turned them into animals for being disobedient!" Maka paled. "If she had that much power why would she make you do household chores."

"Animals can't do housework." Crona responded as if that was the most natural thing in the world. "Besides she says it builds character."

Maka grabbed onto her shoulders. "That's abuse! She can't do that to you!"

"Hey!" A gruff voice came from above. "Hands off of her!"

* * *

"Who was that!" Maka looked around quickly.

"Me!" A giant glove swiped at her, causing her to trip over her broom. She sat on the floor, looking up at its owner. A pair of gigantic white eyes loomed over her. "Crona is mine, so no touchy!"

"Ragnarok! Don't!" Crona could be heard shouting, and a second later, her face appeared under the big, black... thing... for which Maka was grateful. Crona extended a hand and helped her up, at the same time giving Maka a better view of the mysterious figure. There was a dark torso poking out of Crona's back, with a pair of equally black arms ending in white gloves, and a face with a white cross on it.

The face frowned, and then the gloves had found their new target, and Crona was desperately trying to shield herself from the falling blows.

"Maka Chop!"

Well, it was closer to a Maka Slap, given Ragnarok's height, but it worked. Ragnarok's face was currently flattened against a wall. Slowly, he peeled himself off. And its eyes were back on Maka. Maka held up the book, eyes blazing, as if daring him to make another move. It'd probably be his last.


	9. Grinning And Bearing It (Part 3)

"Bitch, please, I got 99 problems but you ain't one of them." Ragnarok declared, before grabbing Crona's hair. Another warning glare from Maka, and he released it.

"Come here, you giant baby." Crona handed Ragnarok an apple, silently hoping he wouldn't act rashly. To her great relief, Ragnarok chomped down on it.

"What's the story behind this one?" Maka looked to Crona requesting an explanation.

Crona absently swiped at a cobweb in a corner. "Well, we go way back."

"Do tell."

"When I was young Medusa decided to magically fuse us and soyeahthishappened."

"I think I'm going to be sick." Maka put a hand over her mouth. "You shouldn't stay here."

"Well, he does watch out for me, like a big brother." Crona snatched the flying apple core out of midair. "Or a little brother." The apple core flew into the dustbin in a corner.

"That doesn't make it right." Maka gestured to the brooms. "Or this, for that matter."

"What about you? You're the princess, aren't you? So what are you doing in a place like this?"

Soul wasn't around, so Maka took it upon herself to retell the story to Crona and Ragnarok. By the end Ragnorok was snickering loudly. "So you're telling me you refused someone's help... just because of the time of day?"

Crona meanwhile was smiling, but her right hand was gripping her left arm. "So those bears Lady Medusa sent me to visit... was actually a man?"

"A lonely one." Maka confirmed. At this Crona laughed briefly before frowning. "I should apologise to him!"

"Well, we really should get started on the cleaning up part." Maka's face lit up. "I just had an idea, want to try it out?"

* * *

Since Maka was intent on making friends with Crona, who could possibly pass as the definition of shy, Soul decided to occupy himself with a stroll through the trees. As he walked he could start to pick up faint sounds, which he headed towards out of curiosity.

It only got louder as he moved closer to its source, and he suddenly heard a shout and crash. Dashing forwards and clearing the last few paces, he entered a clearing.

A blond wearing a white cap of some kind (he'd never been religious but he was sure it was meant to be Christian) was currently moving around, head bobbing in a strange manner. Next to him was a fallen log, the branches of which he was stripping.

After a long period of silence-well, loud thumping, Soul coughed as loud as he could manage.

"Where'd you come from?!" The man jumped back as he screeched. Soul gave him a blank stare and deadpanned, "I've been standing here for the past ten minutes."

Soul wasn't sure how he could even hear anything over the noise, which he deduced was coming from a pair of gigantic speakers on a parked vehicle nearby. But the man looked apologetic, and said, "Ah, a lost soul. How may I help you?"

For starters, turn down that blasted sound.

Soul nervously cleared his throat. "Not really." He then watched the man load the log onto the back of the truck, and turn to another tree.

"Let me help you with that-" Soul took a step forwards but was waved off.

"LAW ABIDING SILVER GUN!"

The man moved his arm in a quick horizontal motion, and the tree fell over, trunk neatly sliced through.

"Do you say that every single time?" It sounded like a real mouthful.

"Only when I feel like it. By the way, call me Justin, Justin Law." Justin smiled ruefully, extending a hand which Soul took carefully, remembering what happened to the tree. "Soul Eater."

"Now, if you'd excuse me, I really need to move this tree." Justin turned around, before dragging the tree towards the truck. First Maka, now this guy. Just how many skinny people were stronger than they looked?!

"A lot." He turned, and there was Tezca standing near the edge of the clearing. Soul wondered what he was doing here. As if reading his mind again, Tezca said, "I got bored, so came out for fresh air. Where's the girl?"

"Maka? Ah, she went off on her own. She's intelligent, and knows what's she's doing."

* * *

"I have no idea what I'm doing." Maka confessed to Crona, before sneezing suddenly. Crona peered down at her with worried eyes. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes I am." Maka handed her own broom to Ragnarok, trying not to inhale more dust than necessary. Ragnarok looked down at her, giant eyes unblinking. Maka nodded up to him as a signal to begin. He got to work immediately, arms spinning in large circles. Because of Crona's added height, the brooms barely skimmed the floor. Crona walked forwards as he swept, a dustpan in hand which was soon filled up. Making a small sound of disgust she tipped it into a bin, and went right back to sweeping.

Maka immediately wiped the smile off her face (where'd it come from) as the door slammed open and Medusa stormed in. Crona yelped and pulled down Ragnarok's arms as she glared at the three. Then Medusa snapped at Maka. "You. Since you find this so amusing, why don't you do more?" Upon saying this, Medusa snapped her fingers and a bucket of soapy water flew past her, stopping in front of Maka. "Scrub the floor, it had better be spotless. Crona, go and tend to the plants in the garden. Don't use the soap water on them this time." She then left, tracking muddy footprints on the floor in her wake. Crona looked at Maka sympathetically, but left, trailing after her mother.

With a soft huff, Maka grabbed the floor brush. She was hoping for two but it looked like she'd have to make do with the one.


End file.
